This past year has been a year of growth and hardship for everyone. For our little family it was no different and yet completely unlike everyone else. We all have our struggles and we all have privileges that we are blessed with. By acknowledging my personal difficulties I hope that others understand that I am aware of my blessings simultaneously. Our family’s differences and alternate existence is something we share with the greater world in bits and pieces, but usually only those very close to us know what it looks like as an almost whole, only my husband and I have the actual full picture from our perspective, only our daughter has the full picture from hers.
It has been so very hard this year. Juggling Radhika’s needs,both physical, mental and emotional has been nothing short of survival on most days. Add in our own needs and it’s just not enough. Nearly every single day we have all fallen short of creating an environment to thrive, and most days we are lucky to cross the line of simple survival.
This year has forced me personally to grow as a human, a mother, a wife. It has both beaten me down, yet also allowed me to put myself and my family first in many situations. Living this alternative life has often pushed me to mold myself into a more compatible version to accommodate the “typical” world/community we live in. I did that at great expense to my physical, mental, and emotional well being. I over extended myself many times and often felt guilt when people close to me expressed their disappointment in my inability to accommodate their needs. I don’t see others as being as oblivious or “bad”, for I consciously created this version of myself so that I may have a semblance of normalcy in a very abnormal life style.
However, I am grateful for this forced isolation to reset my priorities. This doesn’t come easily or without the grief that pops up over time when I feel that loss of connection and of understanding, but it released so much hurt and pain, so much pressure and anxiety. I have always tried to keep in my mind that it’s not anyone’s responsibility to meet my needs as it’s so unusual to be in this situation and most have never experienced what I have, but in doing that, I negated my own needs. Without realizing it, I told myself that I need to accept everyone’s version of support as is, even if it meant that I was buried in anxiety and hurt, because usually I ended up giving more of myself then I could afford.
It’s not easy or magical to choose yourself, often it comes with isolation and loss. Coming to terms with that loss is where all the hard work comes in. I find myself lonely and unheard and I have to sit in that and come to terms with the silence and the disparity.
I am not at all saying I don’t have wonderful people in my life. We have amazing people who love us and support us. People we can count on, we can turn to for love and acceptance.
My intention for this year going forward is to see everyone’s beauty and love without losing myself and my needs in this living of this life. I pray that I can mark my boundaries and learn to be gracious when another may dislike it and turns that unhappiness back at me. I will go into this year working on recognizing my own limitations and hopefully creating less chance for misunderstandings to muddle friendships, love, and support.
wawoo 