Brown eyes trying to reach me

Big brown eyes look up at me and beg for relief. From what I don’t know. I try everything in my ability to alleviate any pain I can but still she weeps inconsolably. I rock her trying to comfort her but it seems impossible. I am not understanding what she needs. Brown eyes keep begging mommy to fix everything. My heart breaks over and over as I am unable to help my baby girl when she needs it the most.

Hours of her crying later and I have reached my limit. All the compassion is still there but it is overtaken by irritation (however irrational) towards her not stopping. She can feel it,this child of mine is so sensitive. She weeps even more pathetically. Usually around this time my second half steps in and gives us both a break. He is working and it’s just me and her. Both of us past our limit. Both of us wanting relief. None is to be had so we just sit and tears roll down our faces until bedtime.

Medicating your child to give her relief is not the greatest feeling in the world. You do it because she needs it to just be comfortable. But your heart dies a little each time you watch her drift away fighting against it. You hold them tight and pray they feel safe and loved.

Can you tell I am still dealing with the emotional after affects of a hard couple of days? In those moments it doesn’t feel like things will be better again. It feels like it will last forever. All the previous times of difficulty come crashing back over your head and it seems like all you ever deal with is hardships.

In those times I am on my knees and completely at the mercy of Krsna. There is no one else I can turn to with my tormented heart. I feel at those moments that I can’t figure out the PLAN. I don’t care. I just want to know that I am trying my best and that is enough for now. What I lack God will make up for. This I pray for and believe.

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Friends

So on Friday I sprained my ankle pretty bad. My husband was going to work for 3 days and ┬ámy daughter’s caregiver was out of town. What was I going do? I cried the morning hubby left. It is not easy for me to ask for help when I really need it.

Lucky for me I have a few really awesome friends who know me enough to just come over. They spent the day and night with me, cooking ,cleaning,and ignoring my awkward pleas to stop.

I am the first person in line to help someone else. Why is it so hard to accept a little help? I hate feeling obliged to anyone and always want to be able to handle myself. Also I worry about how they will react to my special needs child. Will it be too hard for them to manage? Will they get annoyed?

Then when I do need help I get so hurt by the friends who don’t step up to the plate. The ones who have no problem asking for help and taking what I can give them but that don’t even think to offer any in return. It hurts a lot. And it shows me who are the people I can rely on.

I am lucky to have friends who are always there for me in my life. Who barge in during my worst times and make me laugh and cook me dinner. Friends who are more like sisters. For that I thank you Lord for putting these people in my life because my family is so far away. Thank you