Learning

So we have been battling my daughter’s cochlear implant this last month. It would just not work properly. We got a brand new one to replace the one that wasn’t working and that one didn’t work either. I called the doc and she said there had been a recall on the equipment in Wawoo’s head! My stomach dropped to my shoes. For the last few days I worked myself up into a gut wrenching tizzy.

Trying not to worry about a maybe surgery is not so easy. So we went to the doc’s and they tested everything and could find nothing wrong. She finally decided to just change out the whole processor again when a little light went on in my head and I asked if the processor was set to the peds setting. Voila! Crisis averted.

The Euphoria that hit me is hard to describe. I am hardly out of the situation when I am hit with another.

Wawoo has hip  dysplasia. Which means her muscles aren’t; strong enough to keep her hip bone in its socket. We see the Ortho on Friday and once again I have no idea where this will go.

When did I become this worried wart? Why can’t I just take it as it comes instead of looking to the future?

Because I have been burnt too many times to trust that everything will be fine. In my experience with this life everything that could go wrong with Wawoo has. Is that cynical? I don’t know, it feels realistic.

And once one thing feels like it’s not going right everything feels wrong. I start to see all the suffering she is experiences over the good stuff. I spiral into this dark place of scared, unhappy thoughts. I cry. I ask why.

The only thing that helps is to trust. To trust that I cannot always see why I am in a certain situation but there is a plan. A plan that is put into place to help me in this life. Also I am here to help her. She is my priority and the meaning of my life. I was put here to help her in this difficult position. She has made me a more compassionate, loving person.

People can’t know what my life is like. They can’t understand the rollercoaster I live on everyday . So I learn tolerance and acceptance. I learn to take the love and care and ignore the remarks that send little arrows to my heart.

I learn to look beyond the body to the soul within.

I learn that love is a powerful thing.

I learn I learn I learn

My life is about learning. And one never stops learning so I will be on this ride  for a while 🙂

P.S. Please forgive any errors as I use this blog as a sort of journal and just let it flow out of me without pausing or checking. Hare Krsna

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Disconnecting

Wawoo and I went home to my family in India for a month long visit.

The trip there…

We got on the plane and I realized that she had grown . A lot. She couldn’t sit with her legs down when the person in front of us tilted his seat back. So she sat for 16 hours with her legs bent in the car seat. Yes the guy in front of us kept his seat up when asked but how long would he do that for? An hour or so.  So I would take her out of the seat and hold her. I can’t describe the feelings of claustrophobia and hyperventilation that were coursing through my body and mind. I sat chanting Hare Krsna over and over trying to calm my mind while she wiggled and arched and complained. I got off that flight crying into my mother’s arms. All I could think of was that I had to do this again in a month.

It took about 2 weeks to get over the plane ride and to not have it constantly on my mind. Then finally disconnected from my normal world I was able to stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time. It was a glorious feeling. Being forced to not be able to do any of the usual research,appointment making and keeping,fighting with insurance, filing paperwork etc, I was finally able to breathe. I felt my body and mind relax. My biggest dilemma was what to ask mom to make for lunch.

My family is amazing with Lali. As soon as I come they take over. Diapers, feedings, playing, loving. They shower her with attention and love. They wake up nights to care for her so that I may sleep. It brings me to tears. Lali, of course the little love sponge that she is, soaks it all up. She quickly realizes she never needs to be on her own in this magical land and so she cries  at the tiniest bit of time of not being held.  Its a vacation for both of us.

Now we are back home and I am trying to remember that if things don’t get done the way I  think they should its not the end of the world. I will just keep trying…. and leave the result up to God. Easier said than done. haha But I know what I am working towards. And like GI Joe says ” knowing is half the battle” lol