Zombie Days

Lali was been sick for over a month now. It comes and goes and has gotten worse in the last week. Night after night I find myself awake with her trying to get her to breathe easy and fall back to sleep.

It seems like this lack of sleep is causing more than just exhaustion. I feel so emotional and sad.  I cry more easily and feel defeated. My usual routine of running goes down the drain and I feel like I am losing all my hard work. I don’t feel like cooking as it takes effort and I have no energy for that. All in all I feel like a zombie. Living but not.

I keep reminding myself that it’s only temporary and that  will be able to get routine back but it feels like it’s forever. Seeing her go from limp feverish to spastic crazy is so hard for me. What follows is non stop hair pulling, eye poking, muscle spasms. And there is nothing I can do but try and comfort and massage.

How does a parent deal with all the emotional bombardment of this situation? I’ve spoken to many others in my situation and it seems like you have to numb yourself and carry on. Most days that works but in this sleep deprived, emotionally wrenching state of being I find I allow myself to feel the brunt of all of it. I allow myself to think what it must be like to be in a body that is jerking you around non stop. People always feel the need to tell me ” oh she is used to it. She doesn’t feel it like you or I would. She doesn’t know any better”. I guess that makes them feel better.

Personally I don’t think you ever get used to the eye poking, hair pulling muscle spasms.

But this sweet child of mine somehow manages a smile even as her arms tense and lock. She manages a laugh even with her eyes watering at my nearness. She manages to make me smile with her leg kicking happiness at seeing her favorite people.

Some days are just going to be crap and you have to deal with it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.