These thoughts have been swirling in my head for a few days now…….
I went to see an alternative medical professional for some chronic spinal pain I’ve been in. As we spoke about my daily life he learnt about my daughter’s condition and the amount if physical, mental and emotional toll it takes on her caregiver, namely me. His eyes got really wide as I listed her conditions, spelling out her limitations and difficulties.
As I answered his questions I really had to lay it all out there, nothing was sugar coated, but nothing was exaggerated. WhiIe I welcome empathy , I abhor pity. In all honesty life for us is tough, but my daughter deserves loving parents and the best chance at life. I don’t feel like she is burden I rather not have. Ever.
So it hit me hard when he asked if I intended to care for her all her life. He said this with a bemused expression. As though it was beyond his understanding why I would keep myself in this position. Immediately my anger and defensiveness boiled up. I wanted to say something snarky and put him in his place. I wanted to feel self righteous and know I had the upper hand. It feels good to expose other people to their own shallowness and show the world my depth of character. It strokes my vanity to know I’m in the right.
Instead I took a breath, allowed myself to understand unless you know my Wawoo you can’t know how to look beyond the body. You can see past the limitations and appreciate the beautiful person within. And by expecting him to know all this I’m judging him as much as I felt him judging my child.
Instead of feeling hurt and angered I could educate him on the reality of my sweet child. On all children like her.
Some days the burden of that responsibility is overwhelming. Some days I could care less how the world needs to be shown the truth. Some days I lash out in hurt and feel better for it. I am not perfect, I am human.
Other days are like this, where I catch myself before judging another unfairly and hopefully help him understand the life that is a Wawoo.